Submariners Association
Barrow in Furness Branch

Humour

The Scottish Submarine

There was once a sub crewed by Scotsmen,
The redoubtable men of the North.
She patrolled the Atlantic's grey waters
From her base in the Firth of the Forth

Her Skipper, a dour Aberdonian,
Was known for his tightness with loot,
And much tighter yet with torpedoes,
With a noted reluctance to shoot!

One morning they sighted a tanker
"Let's sink it!" the crew said with glee.
'D'ye know ken the price o' torpedoes?
Forget it, yon tanker's too wee!".

Now while they discussed the expenses,
A destroyer appeared on the scene,
A German, with five inch artillery,
And she'd spotted the Jock submarine!

They took the boat down in a hurry
While the German came on at a pace.
"Our Skipper'll save us!", the crew said
But the Captain rernained stoney faced!

They sat on the bottom for hours,
Dead quiet, no man made a sound,
While the German let loose her depth charges
And continued to circle around!

Then a voice echoed out in the silence,
In anguish it cried simply this,
"Just fire a bloody torpedo!
Ah'll foot the bill if ye miss!"

extracted from
The Fairy Godstoker by Johne Malkin

Why Submarines are better than woman

A submarine will kill you quickly. A woman takes
her time.
Submarines like it done at all angles.
Submarines can be turned on easily anytime.
A submarine doesn't mind if you smoke, drink, tell
dirty jokes or cuss.
A submarine does not object to being rigged for dive.
Submarines come with manuals.
A submarine is built for going down
A submarine once down is quite willing to stay there
as long as you want.
Submarines are always in trim.
You can dive a submarine any time of the month.
Submarines don't whine unless something is really
wrong.
Submarines don't care how many other subs you
have sailed on.
Submarines don't come with in-laws.
When sailing, you and your submarine arrive at the
same time.
Submarines don't mind if you look at other submarines
or if you buy books and magazines about them.
Submarines don't complain if you sleep somewhere
else.
Submarines don't mind if you stop off for a few beers
on the way back.

In The Beginning

In the beginning was the word, and the word was God and all else was darkness and void without form. So God created the heavens and the earth. He created the sun and the moon and the stars, so that the light might pierce the darkness. And the earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the seashore, God called ROYAL MARINES, and dressed them accordingly, and the flighty creatures of the air, he called AIRY FAIRIES, and these He clothed in uniforms which were ruffled and foul. And the lower creatures of the sea, God called SKIMMERS, and with a twinkle in His eye and a sense of humor that only He could have, God gave them big gray targets to go to sea on. He gave them many splendid uniforms to wear. He gave them many wonderful and exotic places to visit. He gave them pen and paper so they could write home every week, and He gave them make-andmends at sea, and He gave them a laundry to keep their splendid uniforms clean. When your God you tend to get carried away.

And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested, and on the 8th day at 0700, God looked down upon the earth and God was not a happy man. So He thought about His labours, and in His infinite wisdom, God created a divine creature and this He called a SUBMARINER.

And these SUBMARINERS, whom God created in his own image, were to be of the deep, and to them He gave a white woolly jumper, He gave them black steel messengers of death to roam the depths of the sea, waging war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them hotels to live in when they were weary from doing God's will. He gave them subsistence so they might entertain the ladies on Saturday nights and impress the hell out of the creatures called SKIMMERS.

And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the earth and say all was good, but God was not happy because, in the course of His labours he had forgotten one thing. He did not have a submariner’s white woolly jumper. But he thought about it and thought about it and finally satisfied Himself knowing that NOT JUST ANYBODY CAN BE A SUBMARINER.

REAL SUBMARINE CHIEFS Do you know one?
REAL SUBMARINE CHIEFS:	Are the only people that can make "Sir" sound like a four-letter word. Think that Officers should be seen and not heard, and never, ever, be allowed to read books on leadership. Don't eat quiche, they can't even pronounce it. Don't have any civilian clothes. Don't remember any time they weren't Chiefs. Have a coffee pot next to their desk with a tube running from it to their arms. Propose like this: "There will be a wedding at 1000 hours on 29 October, be there in whites with your gear packed because you will be a prime participant." Don't know how to tell civilian time. Call each other "Chief." Greatest fear is signing for permanent loan items. Dream in Navy Blue, Black, Haze Gray and occasional White thrown in for good measure. Have served on Boats that are now war memorials or tourist attractions. Have the heart of a little boy, kept in a jar on their desk. Call their wife, CINCHOUSE. Have tattoos and are carefully tanned. Can find their way to the Senior Rates Bar, blindfolded, on 15 different Navy Bases. Have pictures of Boats in their wallets instead of their wife and kids. Don't own any pens that do not have "MOD Property" on them. Don't order supplies, they swap for them. Don't drink, not since the invention of the funnel. Love quotes. Their favourite is from the movie Ben Hur, "We keep you alive to serve this ship.

The five "Most Dangerous Things" to be heard on a RN Submarine

A Seaman saying, "I learned this at Raleigh..."
A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Sub Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."
A Chief chuckling, "Watch this s**t...

Stoker Humour

In a train carriage there was a Lower Level Stoker, an Army Major, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Army Major had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1) The blonde thought - "That Soldier son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Army Major laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

3) The Army Major thought - "That Stoker put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

4) The Stoker thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that Army Major again.

Down The Voicepipe

Sometime in '63, out west of Ailsa, "Sealion" SO7, a dark moonless night.

Having surfaced between stages of some CASEX or other, all that was seen was the Officer of the Watch and the lookout's images reflected in green from the compass.

T'was raining, coupled with the occasional "goffer" spraying over the top of the fin.

Up from the voicepipe wafts the strains of someone humming that little Irish tune "The March Hare".

O.O.W. "Who's that on the voicepipe"?

Lookout. "I don't know Sir".

O.O.W. "Control Room. Who's that idiot on the voicepipe?

Control Room. "Which end sorr".

"Otter" steaming innocently for a jolly in good old Liverpool.

Shout from the bridge down the voice pipe.

Helm... bridge weather report for the log.

Ready sir pencil sharpened!!

Wind from the North

Wind from the North sir

Slight swell

Slight swell sir

Slight precipitation

Slight precipstation er slight perspiration, er slight poxymation er...

Forget it helm just write f'ing raining!!!

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